Valentine's day.

Call me a hopeless romantic--I love this holiday every year. Not as much as Easter, my favorite of faves, but love it all the same. This year is the second year, after four years of being away from my sweetheart due to deployments, that my husband is home. It is extra special because it has been a rarity in the past to be together in February and many months surrounding it. It is a treasured blip on the calendar.

Jason brought home a huge bouquet of roses the day before Valentine's day. Flowers are something I treasure. Don't the majority of women? Even the self-proclaimed Valentine haters? It isn't the only time during the year that he stops by the florist "just because"...so they aren't unique to a holiday.

This year was a bit different though. I could see it in my daughter's eyes as she gently sniffed the flowers. I could see the sense of longing and hope...and disappointment. This marked a first for her. The first time Daddy "forgot".

Since her very first Valentine's day she received something special from her father on February 14th. In fact, she still has her very first gift... a purple stuffed poodle. Super soft. She was almost one and squealed in delight when he handed it to her. That poodle spent the next four years in her bed as she slept. Okay, mostly in OUR bed since she'd sneak in with us long after we fell asleep each night.

I love the tradition of it. As does she. It's simple really..a symbol of something pretty special coming from the man who loved her first. The one who will one day pass the torch to another man when he gives her away at her wedding. The one who will most likely always send something on Valentine's day to his "little girl".

She did not say a word about it but she didn't have to.

Little did she know her father had already made plans for his princess. It wasn't Valentine's day after all. It was the day before. He carefully picked her princess bouquet. He had to make a special request of the local florist because a red rose isn't appropriate as a "Daddy gift". Changes had to be made to make sure her gift was perfect.

She didn't have to say it but her heart sang to receive her gift on Valentine's day.

I am reminiscent of the things my own father did growing up. (My first Valentine).. Unicorn figurines. Those were my 'bouquets of flowers'. I collected them and from time to time we'd see them at the grocery store, the gas station, small shops and he would add another to the growing group on my dresser. I still have my collection--some in pretty horrendous shape from military move to move. But I have them. I can still remember how it felt when each piece was picked. They were my 'something special'.

It was never about the day. It still isn't. It was always the emotion behind them. Always the feeling of being special because something was carefully chosen for me. It's the same for my daughter. She will most likely always remember the things carefully chosen for her. She may even keep the purple poodle from that first holiday. She'll remember Daddy reading to her at night even when he was exhausted from the day. (My heart leaps every time he does it.) She'll remember cooking with him. She'll remember he would let her sit in the front seat of the truck when Mom did not.

I hope she remembers most the love and that she chooses someone like her father when it's time.

You see, my husband, my Valentine:

• Has always worked hard to provide for us. Even if it meant working two jobs.
• He has been the shoulder to cry on when the very worst situations have occurred in our marriage. I cannot count the number of nights I have fallen asleep sobbing in his arms.
• He has been supportive of my school and my vocation and most of the impulsive ideas I have had throughout the years.
• He has loved me through my insecurities, depression, and when I've felt the most unlovable. 
• He has given so much wisdom to me and our children.
• His heart is invested in the goings-on in this house and acutely aware of problems and blessings.

I praise God, my Almighty Father, for the special gift He gave when he chose my husband for me.

Said after our 2nd Valentine's day when we took our vows:


"But at the beginning of creation God 'made them male and female.'  'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife,  and the two will become one flesh.' So they are no longer two, but one.  Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." Mark 10:6-9

We're all covered in love two-fold... every day of the year.

Lead Me to the Rock That is Higher Than I

It's January and right on cue the winter blues have found me. My doctor says I am Vitamin D deficient and gave me a score of 15%. I am not sure what 15% means but I got the impression it wasn't very good. Despite the guidance to take this vitamin twice a day, every day, I have taken two total since December. I know it might help and I am aware of things like osteoporosis but I am still lacking in self-discipline--the type of thing you need to make any type of change in your life. 

This behavior has been in many areas in my life up until very recently. Smaller details became bigger ones. Would I do laundry today or this weekend? How far could I push going to the grocery store before the whole house was up in arms because the refrigerator and cabinets were empty? Would I ever write again? Most importantly, how much would my spirit suffer? My relationship with my Creator?

From the end of the earth I call to You when my heart is faint; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I. (Psalm 61:2)

During these seasons I find I suffer most from a case of what is wrong with me? Am I bearing any fruit? 

As a homeschooling, college-going mother, I find it so very easy to become withdrawn during these times. Coffee with friends becomes more sparse and spread out. Appointments and events are met with panic and last-minute cancellations. Much like the Vitamin D--I know they are good for me--but oh, that self-discipline! Or lack thereof.  

There are a few benefits to these periods of time--YES, I said benefits! Being the connoisseur of winter depression that I am I can tell you how the story can change for the greater good. You may be thinking wow--there is something fundamentally wrong with her. But hear me out...

There are two types of classes I have detested in my college studies:

1) Spiritual Formation
2) Philosophy

Yes, I realize that in going for dual degrees in Theology and Christian Education both of those classes are necessary and it's almost laughable that I hate them so much. Philosophy is something I hate because I do not think in color I suppose--I am practical, logical, a realist, and if it's right it's right, and if it's wrong it's wrong. 

Relativism blows my mind. 

Philosophy set aside we'll talk about Spiritual Formation. I had never heard this topic until I started attending a Baptist college. In Googling I found the best definition here.

Sounds simple and straight-forward, doesn't it? It's.so.not. Imagine suffering depression because of the winter blues or because you are prone to it--it's something that in most cases a person can't control. Now imagine intentionally seeking it out. That is how Spiritual Formation works for me. 

Wait, she said benefits..

What Spiritual Formation can do:

1) Make you question your beliefs at their bare-bone core
2) Expose the weaknesses in your life
3) Make you question whether or not God is listening in the first place
4) Make you seek Him intentionally when things start to feel unstable

What depression can do:
1) Make you question your beliefs at their bare-bone core
2) Expose the weaknesses in your life
3) Make you question whether or not God is listening in the first place
4) Make you seek Him intentionally when things start to feel unstable

Now to the good stuff. I remember when I was younger my father saying, "you have to hit rock bottom to look up and see Jesus". This made absolutely no sense to me. I could see Jesus in my life without a tragedy. I could feel His work in my heart when life was going great--when my heart was well.. I never understood that phrase until my heart was weak.

Seasonal depression, though long and hard during it's peak, provides opportunity. In the midst of feeling stagnant and unresponsive to everything and everyone around you there is opportunity for raw, emotional prayer. I cannot count the nights I have begged God to make me a better wife, mother, and friend. I cannot count the times I have prayed because fear was getting the better of me. I prayed because I felt overwhelmed and undervalued. There were times I did not pray because the words weren't always there. But He knows my heart and when I am weak He is still strong.

I promised the benefits of depression. When you have climbed the hill:

1) You can be/are spiritually reborn
2) You have a strong testimony to share. Use this testimony. There are too many women who stay quiet for fear of judgment and far too many who feel they are alone. Share your story  with others. Through your experiences you can lift up a sister in Christ. 
3) You can recognize God was there through it all--He never left!

When your spirit is reborn make your relationship with Christ intentional. Try to stay on the path. If you trip, start praying again for strength. He will lead you. He will carry you.

But what about the rest of the family?

They are so important. They need you to be healthy. The truth is that there is no overnight fix... the journey can be so long! Set some time aside to figure out what is doable in your daily life. Do not decide that you will clean the entire house tomorrow because "Rome wasn't built in a day"! This type of impulsiveness can have such a negative impact and lead you squarely back where you started.

A few ways to get back on the horse--you can do as many or as little as you have in you for that day--even if it is only one from the list:

• Throw food in a crock-pot to prepare for dinner. This provides the satisfaction of not procrastinating and feeling guilty later in the day when you don't feel like cooking. It is two-fold though because you have shown your family love through your actions.
• Vacuum one room. Choose an area that has high kid traffic. Through picking up legos, cheerios, plastic bits from some toy you can't identify, etc. there is a good chance your tidying up can lead to one fully cleaned room.
• Get out of the house. It doesn't matter where you go. A walk around the block is a great depression buster. Seriously. 

The most important action you can take is continuing your walk with God--even when you cannot find words. Even when the Bible sits dusty on your shelf. I know it sounds cliche but there is truly a reason for every season. Through the trials you can bless others in ways you never knew possible. Your life can be transformed in ways that lead you closer to Him. And this can happen every single time you hit rock bottom.

I do not know if I will ever commit to Vitamin D every day. I know that sounds both reckless and so simple. But I do know there is light to be found above the darkness that eventually I will find over and over again. More importantly I will be able to reignite my faith when God takes my brokenness and makes me whole again.

Then the LORD said, "There is a place near me where you may stand on a rock. (Exodus 33:2)